mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
COCAINE IS GR8
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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