hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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