He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
