I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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