My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
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just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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