I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
