I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
