Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
