I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
