Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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