Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
