On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
