I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
