Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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