i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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