This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
