I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
