whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
