Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
