a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
