Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
