fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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