If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
