I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
