If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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