I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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