I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
