just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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