On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
