YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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