I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just invented taco cereal.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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