apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Sober January is a disaster.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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