Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
