Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
