I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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