Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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