I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
