how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
