If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
