Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
