while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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