I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
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