i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
