I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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