you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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