ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
