smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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