She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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