you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
