I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I can text with my tongue
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
