No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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