Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
