I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
