literally had 100 drinks last night.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
