Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
