I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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