She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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