so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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