He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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