Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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