Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
