I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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