i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
