watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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